A Sense of Spirit · authenticity · Changes · friends · gratitude

A week has passed….

Wednesday's Sunset.
Wednesday’s Sunset.

A week ago today was a very different day to this Saturday. I can’t say that it has been the easiest week I have ever lived through, but I have survived, albeit with a hole in my heart where by beautiful Tess once lived. I simply can’t bring myself to write about the day again. On Sunday last week I added a brief summary of events to my blipfoto journal ~

“And so a new day begins, without our beautiful girl and the house and garden seem so quiet and still….

Josh, a close friend going back to childhood days, of my son Ben, who is now a vet, came to our home and helped Tess to end her suffering. We took her to a place in the garden where she loved to sit, an area of lawn near to the pool, and she lay there quietly as if she knew what was to come.

Josh was a God-send with his gentle voice and manner. Tess’s acceptance of what was to be, and being there with my two sons and husband as Tess gently closed her eyes was a beautiful end to our dear fury girl’s life. Tess now joins our other fury friends, our three other dogs, Sire, Bear and Nellie and our cat, Sunny, in the pet graveyard, in the garden beside the pool.”

The next day, we bought an azalea, and this is what I wrote on blipfoto the following day ~

“The back garden is so big and empty today and the veranda, where Tess’s bed once lay with her on it are both gone. And my mind has gone to mush. Even as I dressed myself this morning, I thought, “the last time I wore these clothes, Tess was still with us”. I know, it’s pathetic, and I have sewing to do for children who start back at school next week. What will the children wear to school if I don’t pull my finger out and get sewing?

I know this mopey feeling will pass. It’s just all so new right now, not having her around…

Yesterday we went looking for a plant to mark her grave and found a very pretty Azalea. Her grave is in a shady area, not far from two frangipani trees, so it will be a very lovely area when the garden there is completed.”

Tess's Azalea.
Tess’s Azalea.

I wrote these two passages on the day that they happened and I still ache inside as I re-read the words I wrote. I simply cannot write new words, so I hope you will forgive me for taking the easy road and adding what was already written.

Sweet Grand-Puppy, Bella.
Sweet Grand-Puppy, Bella.

But life goes on….my grand-puppy Bella, a gentle and affectionate Border Collie, has spent some days with me this week. She is a beautiful companion and she has made me laugh so many times. Bella being here has shown me that their is life after Tess, that I can love again.

Already, I know who my next puppy will be and I know her name. I see her face in my mind’s eye. She will find me when the time is right, but that time is not now. I think she will find me in a few months time, after my still-raw wounds of the heart have been given some time to heal.

My word for 2014 is Authentic. I could pretend that I’m feeling just fine, but in keeping with my word, I can’t, I wont pretend. I know that we made the right decision to let Tess sleep, that she is now running around the big field in the sky with her friend Nellie and that we will meet again one day. But it still hurts to lose her. I need time.

I thought I was okay, but my eyes are welling with tears again as I type. I know this will pass, but obviously there are still a few more tears that need to escape my eyes. When I think of all the kind and comforting messages my blogging and blipfoto friends have left me during the last week, again my eyes fill with tears, but tears of a different kind. These tears are those of gratitude for the kindness shown to me by so many people, people who I have mostly never met in person, yet I have been enveloped by hugs of kindness through the internet waves.

Thank you, my friends. ❤

Rest well, my Tess. ❤

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9 thoughts on “A week has passed….

  1. And when you are ready for that new family member, Tess will smile and wag her tail. She’ll be pleased she left you with memories of love and companionship strong enough to make you want more.

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  2. Awwww Sweetie. I am so sorry. What a lucky dog to be so loved to the end. To break your own heart by doing the “right” thing is such a selfless act of love. You go be mopey. You are entitled. DAMN ! I’m tearing up. Hugs, Sybil

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  3. I like the word you chose, “authentic.” It’s good for you to acknowledge your sadness and take time to feel the pangs of grief for Tess deeply. There is no timeline for healing… It’s so hard to lose a dear pet, but your precious connection with her will always remain with you. How sweet of Belle to help you with the transition!

    I’m still shedding tears of gratitude for all the helping hands we had when Tim’s brother was dying, and for all the blogging friends who offered so many words of comfort. It’s touching to contemplate how much authenticity there is on our planet, even if news of it never makes the headlines…

    *more hugs*

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  4. Oh, Joanne, I have tears in my eyes. So very sorry to hear about this. So heart-breaking to lose a faithful friend like Tess. Your word “authentic” also strikes a chord. This year I have been trying to be more steadfast at meeting inner feelings of grief, sadness, and other “unwanted” emotions. To be more present to whatever life offers. Love to you…

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  5. Authentic. What a powerful word.

    I truly am sorry about your furry friend – pets are truly blessings in our life and it is difficult to say goodbye to them. I’m happy that you were with caring people when you needed them most.

    I was feeling this way last year when a beautiful young woman in my life passed away. Do you know what I did to honor her life and to begin to heal? I planted an azalea. Isn’t it strange how people can bridge the river of despair?

    Sending you healing thoughts from across the continents, my friend. ❤

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